TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let us have A further place in which American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Features


Perhaps the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where company may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting consideration from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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